


지나갈 테니 (Been Through)

by dulcecoco



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Mention of Panic Attacks, Post-Break Up, and break downs, hyuck has been having a hard time, mention of death and suicide but not explicitly, the last three are just mentioned, well we can assume
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 09:04:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19081870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dulcecoco/pseuds/dulcecoco
Summary: It's been anything but easy. So when it reaches a breaking point, Donghyuck finds warmth.





	지나갈 테니 (Been Through)

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to been through & lights out by exo while writing most of this, hence the title~

Donghyuck finds himself squinting through the darkness, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the lack of light. It’s been nearly 7 days that the streetlights on his block have been out and he’s starting to think they’re never gonna get fixed. He doesn’t remember walking down the flight of stairs of the apartment building to go outside, he just remembers the pressure in his chest being too much and he needed _out_. Luckily, he’d subconsciously grabbed his keys, which jingle where they hang out of his hoodie pocket. It’s silent otherwise; a car hasn’t passed since he made it outside.

It’s chiller than he’d like it to be, winter not wanting to leave the city despite it being April, so he wraps his arms around himself tighter, begging for the wind to hold off. Donghyuck turns left at the streetlight, his chest still letting out trembling breaths as fights back the tears that hadn’t managed to escape earlier. He knows he could just let them out, no one is around anyway, but he doesn’t. Donghyuck keeps walking, staring at the streetlights ahead, begging for this feeling to go away. 

Mark feels the ache in his feet all the way up to his temples, but he feels relief as soon as he clocks out for the night. He shivers as the automatic doors open to let him out, the wind basically pushing him onto the sidewalk. Mark prays the wind won’t throw him off his bike on his way home, he doesn’t think he’ll make it if he has to walk the distance. He slides his phone out of his pocket to let his mom know he’s on his way and finds a string of notifications waiting for him, cursing himself for not bothering to check it at all while on the clock.

Mark sends a quick text to his mom before anything though, and then he heads for his bike, unlocking it as the wind seems to answer his prayers. He gets on it, not pedaling yet, as he scrolls through his messages. The most recent is from Jeno, who asks if he’s spoken to Donghyuck, and that makes Mark swallow thickly considering he hasn’t spoken to either of them in probably two months.

The next messages are from Yukhei, who asks if he wants to sleep over after work. Mark ignores his friend, instead clicking his notifications from Donghyuck. Mark skims through them, his heart rate increasing as he reads the apologies and the desperation from the other boy.

_I just don’t know what to do anymore._

_I feel so pathetic and even more now that I’ve sent you all this shit…_

_I’m sorry_.

“Fuck,” Mark mutters, quickly dialing Donghyuck’s number. It rings and rings, but no one answers. Mark knows it’s not the irrational thought that’s coming to his mind, it couldn’t be. He calls Jeno next, who answers immediately, as if he’d been waiting for his call. 

“Mark? Did you see my messages?” Mark can hear the worry in his voice and wishes they were together.

“I did. And he sent me a few… I just got out of work. Where is he?”

“I don’t know. I guess something happened at home? He was freaking out and texting me and I told him I was on my way, but he said not to bother because he was going out? He sounded really out of it, I don’t think he even took his phone. I wasn’t sure if I should call you or tell you or—I don’t know,” Jeno sounds close to tears and Mark’s heart clenches.

“No, no. I’m glad you did. I’ll see if I can find him, okay? Try to calm down, Jeno. And don’t leave your house, your mom will kill all three of us, okay? I’ll keep you updated but I’m on my bike, so I can’t stay on the phone. Will you be okay?”

“I’ll try. Just let me know,” Jeno says quietly. Mark agrees and hangs up, quickly clicking his old helmet on once he’s detached it from his backpack. He pedals onto the street, his mind racing as fast as his feet will push him. He can think of a few places Donghyuck might be, so he makes a sharp left turn toward his old high school, thankful that there are no cars in the intersection.

Mark makes it in record time, jumping onto the sidewalk as he nears the bright stadium lights. He tosses his bike into the grass, not bothering to take off his helmet, and runs to the gates but finds no one. Hopping back on his bike, he circles around the campus once, but nothing.

Two cops zoom past, startling Mark as their sirens blare, and he gets another idea. _He has to be here_ , Mark thinks, before he also zooms ahead. He’s sweating by the time he gets back to their neighborhood, and Mark feels dumb for not checking here first. It’s the park basically separating their homes, Donghyuck three blocks east from one corner and Mark just one west of the other. Mark hasn’t been here in almost a year, instead stuck at work or sleeping before his shifts (or at Yukhei’s place 30 minutes away), but it looks the same anyway.

Mark circles around it once, two miles feeling like 50, but again, nothing. He turns onto one of the paths that leads to the small pond and abandons his bike to sit on the nearest bench. He’s grateful the lights are on, it _is_ nearly two in the morning and he knows their neighborhood isn’t the worst, but things _do_ happen. He scans the area once before checking his phone to find no notifications. Mark takes a deep breath, trying not to freak himself out.

“Dammit, Hyuck! Where the hell could you have gone?” Mark calls out to no one.

Donghyuck realizes he didn’t bring his phone with him once he’s done crying what feels like his entire soul out. He’s exhausted, eyes puffy and his sleeve soaked from tears and snot, and he wants to cry again once he realizes he has to walk back home.

His head starts to clear as he stands from the dirt he’d settled on, using the tree he was sitting against as support. Donghyuck dusts himself off once he’s regained his balance, then pulling his hood over his head. He doesn’t make his way to leave yet, instead staring down at the pond in front of him. It’s still, the wind having calmed down just as he was ready to get back.

Donghyuck thinks of the first time he’d come here, when he was maybe six years old and his parents decided to have a picnic to celebrate their move into the city. Donghyuck thinks of the photo his mother has framed in their room of him pointing down at some fish, his eyes wide in amazement. He shakes his head out of the clouds, knowing things aren’t like that anymore. He fixes his gaze up at the sky instead, eyes adjusting to the bright clouds that have managed to stay afloat amid the darkness. It feels like an eternity that he takes in the view, when it’s barely a minute, before he turns to walk away.

Mark’s riding downhill on one of the paths when he sees a figure ahead. He can’t make out who it is yet, all he can tell is that they have their head covered, and Mark finds himself praying for the second time that night.

The second one of the light poles casts a shadow in front of him, Donghyuck is ready to run. He automatically assumes it’s the cops, considering the park closes at 11 and it’s probably way past that. He’s scared to pull his hood off and he doesn’t know what to _do_ , he just hopes it isn’t someone out to kill him.

Mark speeds up once he recognizes the hoodie, shaking his head as the _M. LEE_ written across the back taunts him.

“Donghyuck!” Mark shouts as he nearly reaches the other. Donghyuck whips around, and the light from the front of Mark’s bike catches his puffy eyes, causing him to squint. He stops walking though, and Mark brakes so hard he has to catch himself from flying forward.

Donghyuck’s mouth opens but he doesn’t say anything, at a loss for words. He stares at Mark like he’s seeing a ghost, and then he remembers he’d text him during his break down.

“What the hell are you doing out here?”

“Minhyung… I…” Donghyuck tries but he really doesn’t know where to start. Mark must sense his panic because he gets off his bike and opens his arms to the younger. Donghyuck hesitates, but Mark reassures him it’s okay, and they both step closer.

Donghyuck shutters at the initial contact, the feeling so familiar yet so foreign. Mark wraps his arms around him tight, sighing as he feels Donghyuck relax against him. Donghyuck doesn’t cry, he doesn’t sob, he just breathes in Mark’s scent and lets the other do the talking.

“You’re not physically hurt, are you?” is the first thing Mark asks. Donghyuck shakes his head and Mark starts to rub his back in effort to warm him up.

“What the hell happened, Hyuck? You got Jeno scared as shit and wouldn’t answer your phone. I wish I would’ve seen it earlier, but I was at work,” Mark mutters. Donghyuck presses deeper against Mark’s chest as an apology.

“Let’s get inside. My place or yours?” He asks quietly. Donghyuck chuckles dryly against him, and Mark rolls his eyes once he realizes what he asked.

“Mine is closer, let’s go.” He pulls away from Donghyuck, who automatically wraps his arms around himself. It makes Mark frown, but he doesn’t mention it. Mark slips his helmet off, offering it to Donghyuck who looks confused. The older boy grabs his bike and climbs on, gesturing for Donghyuck to also get on. The younger looks scared, he hasn’t done this in a _while_ , but Mark waits patiently. Donghyuck sighs and clips the helmet on and finally settles on the handlebars and smiles when Mark huffs as he pushes off. If Mark notices Donghyuck’s considerably lighter than before, he doesn’t mention it either.

They exit the park quickly, Donghyuck bracing himself when they ride off the sidewalk and Mark steers them into the street. The wind dries his eyes, but it feels nice, although a bit cold. Donghyuck feels like he can breathe again, and Mark does too.

A short while later they tip-toe into Mark’s house, Donghyuck automatically going toward his bedroom. Mark heads to let his mom know he’s back safely, hoping she doesn’t ask why he took longer than usual. She lets him off easy, half-asleep, so he sneaks into the kitchen for some water and a pack of Oreos before finally heading to his room.

Mark finds Donghyuck on the ground, leaning against his bed, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. The tan boy still has his hood up, face hidden as he picks at his fingernails. He looks up when Mark clicks the door shut and takes one of the water bottles without saying anything. Mark’s heart clenches at how quickly Donghyuck chugs the water down.

“I forgot to text Jeno,” Mark realizes out loud. Donghyuck looks up then, eyes guilty. Mark sends Jeno a quick message, promising to call him in the morning before he plugs it in to charge near his desk and then settles next to Donghyuck. 

“Oreo?” he offers once he’s popped one into his mouth. Donghyuck timidly grabs one, splitting it into two and only taking a bite of the one with the cream on it. They eat a few in silence, Mark sipping on his water as he waits patiently. Donghyuck seems to have enough because eventually he takes a deep breath.

“I shouldn’t have text you, I’m sorry. I’m fine,” he starts. His voice is hoarse, and he can’t bring himself to look at Mark.

“Hyuck… what happened? Jeno sounded really worried. And your messages—I thought you were going to… I don’t know…”

“I would never… you know that,” Donghyuck finally looks up at him. His gaze doesn’t waver as he silently promises Mark he really would never, and Mark reaches out to take his hand. Donghyuck scoots closer, Mark instinctively pulling him under his arm.

“Then tell me what’s up, please.”

“I just… haven’t been sleeping well. And I mean like, I _can’t_ fall asleep and if I actually do, I wake up like three hours later and I feel even worse,” Donghyuck starts ranting quietly, “so I go to school like that. It fucking sucks because I can’t _not_ go to class, right? I’m tired as fuck the whole day, and there’s so much stuff going on at school it’s so… stressful. I think I’ve cried, like, every day this semester, Jesus. But I’ve been getting shit done anyway, I _have_ to. But I’m so fucking _tired_ , Mark. And then I come home and my mom’s always on my back about school. Like, she puts so much pressure on me- I can’t win with her. I can’t even complain about how tired or stressed I am without her throwing it in my face that she’s even _more_ tired. She always throws it in my face that all I have to worry about it school, like it’s that fucking easy. I’m only in this fucking major because of her. Like, it’s interesting to me and I don’t hate it, but having her push it so much and have all these high hopes ruins it for me, you know? And then the kids… I feel so fucking guilty for getting pissed that I have to babysit them all the goddamn time. They’re my brothers! I fucking love them, I do… I promise I do but it’s so fucking much. I can’t even ask my mom to get someone else to watch them so I can study in peace without her accusing me of not loving or caring about them… like, they’re _her_ kids, not mine. And I feel like a fucking asshole when I think like this. But it’s so much and saying this out loud makes me feel so stupid. Like, it’s not even _that_ bad…” he says with a few heavy breaths in between.

“Hey, don’t put yourself down like that. You’re allowed to feel like this,” Mark insists. His hold around the younger tightens, prompting him to go on.

“I just didn’t think it would be this hard. I don’t know what happened to me that I got all… fucked up in the head. I started having like, panic attacks, I guess, during school. And it makes me feel so sick, I don’t know what’s happening to me, Mark,” Donghyuck whispers. He wipes his eyes, feeling pathetic for crying even _more_ than he has already. “I just feel like, I don’t even know… like I’m going crazy. I have Jeno, who’s always there but I feel like I _can’t_ tell him things like this. And there’s Jaemin and Renjun but I feel like they have it even worse and I’m just being a baby. When I think about how I’m feeling- I feel stupid, like I’m just exaggerating but my chest _hurts_. It feels like a part of me is dying every day, Mark.”

“Hyuck…” Mark whispers against his temple. Tears have escaped his eyes too, they run freely down his face and he makes no move to wipe them.

“God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come to _you_ of all people,” Mark ignores the pain that sends through his heart, “I was horrible to you.”

“Hey, you can always come to me. It’s been months, I get why you were like that. It’s okay, okay? I think now I understand where you were coming from. It was too much, I know. I wish you would have opened up to me about this before… I would have fought harder, Hyuck. But this isn’t about us, yeah? The way you’ve been feeling… it’s okay to feel like that. And you need to understand that, first.”

Donghyuck nods against him, Mark feels his fingers digging into his side as he clutches onto him. Mark goes on, quietly reassuring Donghyuck with sweet encouragements and realistic solutions that may or may not work. Donghyuck pulls away when Mark mentions getting _professional help_ , but Mark holds him in place, emphasizing that it’s an option that Donghyuck shouldn’t be afraid of. It’s scary, for both of them, but Donghyuck agrees that he’ll think about it.

Mark eventually feels himself nodding off, his body threatening to fall over so that he’s lying on the ground, so he stretches his arms over his head, causing Donghyuck to fall more into him. He tries to shake the younger awake, who’d fallen asleep a few minutes prior, but Donghyuck won’t budge. Mark whispers his name over and over, huffing as he pulls them both into standing position for a second. Donghyuck whines in his sleep and even tries to swing at Mark, but he eventually relaxes once Mark lays him down on the mattress. Mark’s too tired to even over-think slipping into the bed, too, and his eyes flutter shut when Donghyuck automatically pulls him closer.

 

 

Mark wakes up in a panic, shooting out of bed with his heart racing. He doesn’t remember what he was dreaming, but that doesn’t matter when he realizes Donghyuck isn’t next to him anymore. Mark’s heart sinks when he sees every trace of Donghyuck gone and he reaches for his phone before laying back down. 

There’s a few messages from Jeno that he can’t ignore, so he texts him back a summary of last night instead of calling the boy. Jeno sends back a handful of heartbroken and angry messages, but he also thanks Mark endlessly for taking care of his best friend. Mark sighs at that part, recalling that Donghyuck’s probably home by now. He runs into the bathroom to wash up before he heads down to the kitchen, where he hears someone opening the refrigerator.

As soon as he realizes it’s Donghyuck, he races the rest of the way, startling the boy. Donghyuck huffs as Mark pulls him into a suffocating hug but doesn’t push him off. The bowl of cereal in his hand threatens to spill milk so Donghyuck shuffles them over so he can place it on the counter without making Mark detach himself.

“Good morning to you too,” Donghyuck wheezes when Mark squeezes him. 

“I thought you left,” Mark breathes out.

“I was going to, but I didn’t want you to be all butt-hurt when you woke up,” Donghyuck sighs. Mark pulls away though, the hurt in his eyes threatening to make Donghyuck apologize. “I don’t wanna bother you more than I already have,” he says instead.

“You’re not bothering me,” Mark insists. He checks the time, it’s nearly noon.

“I should get home though. I don’t have my phone and everyone’s probably freaking out…”

“I text Jeno, he’ll probably tell your mom if she asks. And I don’t work tonight. You don’t have to go yet,” Mark’s voice is hopeful. Donghyuck raises a brow at him, mouth full of cereal. 

“I can stay,” the younger agrees. He goes to take a seat at the table, Mark watching him settle down. Donghyuck ditched Mark’s hoodie from yesterday, now only in a black tank top and his old sweat pants. His copper hair is a mess, probably from a combination of running his hands through it and having a hood on for so long. It’s only been two months since Mark’s really seen Donghyuck, but he takes him in as though it’s the first time.

“Stop staring at me,” Donghyuck says around another spoonful. Mark snaps out of his daze and goes to serve himself his own bowl instead.

“Sorry. Just feels kind of weird,” Mark says quietly as he sits across from Donghyuck who eyes him curiously, “I never imagined you here again, I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess I didn’t either,” the younger sighs.

 

 

The rest of the day is spent in Mark’s room, mostly on his bed. Donghyuck was reluctant at first, hesitating his every move, but two movies later, he was mostly back to the Donghyuck Mark used to spend nearly every waking moment with. 

“Your moms gonna get home and kick my ass out for breaking your heart,” Donghyuck sighs when he sees the time. He crushes his can of soda and tosses it into the trash can on the other side, hitting the rim but it goes in anyway.

“Nah,” Mark reassures him, “she still asks about you. She asks how you’re doing or if I’ve heard from you.”

“Ugh she’s too nice. But in that case, I won’t jump out of your window when she comes home. I’ll go say hi and tell her I missed her,” Donghyuck decides. He lays onto his back, turning his head to look at Mark who’s sitting with a leg under his butt.

“She’ll like that,” Mark smiles. He follows Donghyuck in laying back down but turns on his side so he’s facing the other with his entire body.

“I missed you. And I’m sorry, you know,” Donghyuck confesses quietly, casting his eyes down to stare at the messy comforter. It’s the first time he’s said something serious like this since last night, and Mark feels his heart start to pump a little faster. “For breaking your heart, I mean.”

It’s Mark’s turn to look away, he focuses on the still ceiling fan, and scoffs quietly. “I missed you too.”

“I’m an asshole for waiting so long to apologize. I was super immature about everything and you just- were just trying to make it work but I was too stubborn to let you,” he gets Mark to look at him again when he takes his hand in his, “you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry, Minhyung.”

“You already know I forgive you,” Mark replies, rolling his eyes at the guilt shining through Donghyuck’s gaze, “especially now. I get it. Maybe you could’ve been a little more considerate of my feelings, but I get it.”

“The world doesn’t deserve someone like you, Mark Lee. And I’m not just saying this because I had the biggest break down of my life, or because I want you back,” he cringes at his words when he sees Mark’s eyes sadden, “I mean- I _would_ want you- if you want to… wait. I just mean that I’m saying this because it’s true. Okay? I’m lucky to have had someone like you in my life.”

“Stop it, bro, I’m gonna fall in love,” Mark teases, sighing dramatically. It earns a punch in the chest from Donghyuck and a string of swear words, but Mark brings it back by holding Donghyuck’s hands against his chest, a smile threatening the sincerity of his next words. “You still have me in your life, okay?”

“And what about the other part?” Donghyuck mutters, eyes locked on their hands. He can feel Mark’s heartbeat, he tries not to smile at the rate its beating.

“The part where you stuttered over wanting to be my boyfriend again?”

“Stop teasing me!” Donghyuck whines, pulling his hands free. He cackles when he pushes Mark off the bed, the older boy shrieking as he tries to hold onto the comforter. He crawls to the edge of the bed, peaking over to grin down at Mark who’s rubbing the back of his head. “But yes, that part.”

“Will you push me off if I get back on?” Mark asks warily. Donghyuck shakes his head and offers his hand, Mark taking it with a glare.

“Would you really want to get back together?” Mark wonders when they’re sitting against the bed frame. Donghyuck doesn’t answer for a moment but he takes Mark’s hand in his and tangles their fingers together.

“I would. If you’d have me. Maybe not yet… I want to get myself sorted first,” he smiles when Mark nods in agreement, “but I never stopped having feelings for you. Dumping you just made everything _worse_ , I don’t know how I thought it was the right thing to do. And I don’t want me saying this to be the reason you agree. Because I know I was a dick and I really hurt you. I’d understand if you wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Hyuck, if I wanted nothing to do with you I wouldn’t have gone looking for you when Jeno text me. I’ve always loved you, you know? I don’t think that’ll be changing soon,” Donghyuck squeezes his hand and the response he gets is Mark planting a kiss on Donghyuck’s knuckles. Donghyuck doesn’t even _try_ to hide the blush that creeps onto his cheeks- this is the warmest he’s felt in months.

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all...  
> I posted my first nct fic a year ago and it was a soft one and I come back with this emo one ;-;  
> I wrote this months ago when I was feeling the way Hyuck was. I wrote it in one go as a way to get my feelings out in the open and I saved it and didn't look at it for so, so long. I decided to read it over now that I'm in a better place and have decided it's worth posting lol  
> with that being said, if you are struggling with something, please talk to someone about it. you're not alone and don't have to be. I love y'all.
> 
> if you read all the way through, thank you for taking the time to do so!


End file.
